Assertiveness: keys to putting it into practice

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no? Do you feel unable to complain about an unfair situation? Have you ever been asked to do a favour which was very inconvenient for you, but you did it nonetheless? Has someone pushed in front of you at the supermarket or in the bus queue and you didn’t dare say anything?

Often, we passively accept those situations or we respond aggressively, when in reality we should say what we think clearly and calmly. That is because we have been educated to avoid conflicts, arguments, refusals and situations which make us feel guilty.

Assertiveness can be the key to ending that kind of behaviour, as it is a way of communication which helps us to express our opinions and defend our rights in a firm but polite manner, avoiding both passivity and aggression.

This form of communication means asking others to respect your point of view without getting carried away by your emotions. It requires us to control the message we convey, so we are not aggressive and do not appear to be fragile or defenceless.

Communicating assertively is not always easy, but the good news is that assertiveness can be learnt and trained.

Advantages of assertiveness

Assertive communication has many advantages and benefits because it helps us to:

• Claim a right, ask for something we need or a favour without feeling that we are asking for something impossible or which we do not deserve.
• Give an opinion without fear of being judged.
• Express complaints or negative opinions without feeling guilty.
• Learn to say ‘no’ when necessary.
• Question authority, traditions or anything which is pre-established and seems set in stone.
• Maintain sincere personal relations based on trust and respect.
• Learn to listen and respect other people’s needs.
• Resolve problems in all areas of our lives, from our personal lives to work, before the situation gets worse or anger flares up.

Keys to being more assertive

Assertiveness is not an infallible formula which will mean we will get on well with everyone or that problems will simply resolve themselves. We must be aware that it is impossible to please everyone around us and that our assertiveness can make some people feel uncomfortable. However, it increases the possibilities of success in interpersonal relations and of feeling better about ourselves if we communicate in an assertive manner.

We suggest 5 ways of putting your assertiveness into practice:

1. Eliminate negative thoughts. Replace the negative thoughts that arise when you are claiming your rights or expressing your opinions with positive thoughts. For example, if you do not want to lend a book,  or even money, to a friend because on other occasions they have not returned it, do not feel guilty or think ‘I deserve it because I’m an idiot’. Transform that feeling into a more positive vision and consider that both you and your belongings deserve to be respected by that friend, and therefore you are not obliged to lend them anything.
2. Express yourself clearly. People are not mind-readers, they can’t read your thoughts or guess what it is you want. If you have never told your friend how much it bothers you that they don’t return the books or money you have lent them, you can’t expect them to know that. Most of the time, other people do not know what we are thinking, and therefore we must express it clearly and without aggression. That also means being very specific in your requests, so there are no misunderstandings or false interpretations.
3. Avoid aggressive or insulting language. However complex or uncomfortable the situation, there are always ways of expression your opinion or claiming your rights politely but firmly. Aggressive language, insults and put-downs will only show your weakness and inability to ask for what you want.
4. Assume that you are not always right. Communicating assertively does not mean that you are always in the right. You must assume that your point of view is just that: it is not necessarily shared by others, and sometimes it might even be wrong. Therefore, when you express your feelings and opinions about a situation, always do so respecting other people’s needs and points of view. You can learn a lot from their views.
5. Use positive body language. Assertive communication must be accompanied by positive body language, firm but friendly, avoiding aggressive gestures, which show tension or contained anger. Otherwise, the effort you put into your words will be undermined by the tension and anxiety transmitted by your gestures.