Learn to set limits to improve your relationships

How many times have you said 'yes' to someone when you wanted to say 'no'?  Do you always try to please others?  Why do you let your friends make mean comments to you?  Do you find it difficult to tell others what bothers you?

If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, some of your relationships may be frustrating or disappointing. Setting healthy boundaries can help us avoid some of these abusive situations, misunderstandings, emotional blackmail, or even psychological manipulation.

Why is it difficult to set limits?

• Fear of confronting others.
• Low self-esteem and fear of rejection.
• Feelings of guilt.
• Fear of becoming emotionally blocked when the other person gets angry.
• Lack of assertiveness: not knowing how to say what we think and want.
• Need to please others.

What are the benefits of setting healthy limits?

• Improve your self-awareness.
• Have equal relationships based on respect.
• Build stronger and lasting relationships.
• More coherence between thoughts, emotions, and actions, which brings a greater sense of control over your life.

Experts also highlight that there are two key factors in building healthy limits: honesty and detachment.

• Honesty allows you to express thoughts and emotions with transparency. But there must also be coherence between what you express and your behaviors. If sexist jokes offend you and you ask others not to make them, don't even smile or pretend you find them funny. If you do, you will contradict yourself.
• Detachment helps you establish limits with the people you love. Sometimes you end up saying yes, when you wanted to say no, out of emotional loyalty or guilt feelings.

5 tips to start setting healthy limits

• Make a list of relationships where you would like to set healthy limits.
• Evaluate the degree of conflict and discomfort that each one generates by scoring them from 1 to 5, with 1 being less conflictive and 5 being very conflictive.
• Start saying NO in some low-conflict situations where the risk of emotional reaction is low.
• Stop feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of others.
• When explaining your limits, do not try to 'sweeten' them or use euphemisms for fear of rejection. If you do not express them clearly and respectfully, people will not know what you really want.